I got an email from my biological father despite the address being blocked. The time stamp was at 3:50AM. I'm not sure if those things are accurate but if so, what in the world is he up to. And since I refuse to respond to his rhetoric, I've wondered what I could do to discourage his behavior knowing I can't control anything he does(like the drive bys he did while we were in Great Falls in January)
But I've blocked him and even that isn't working. So I figure I'll post what he wrote. And I won't have to say a word to show people who my dad is and what he does. He can do it himself. And people can make their judgments on who the crazy one is.
(As a side note, this is not a cry for pity. I absolutely hate pity. I'm a big girl with a great life. But you'd think after 11 years, he'd grow tired of the BS.)
So here goes:
Heather,
As your life continues to progress you will come to the point where you will realize, that beyond all immature thoughts and imaginations, alongside all emotions and vanity, in spite of all knowledge, certainty and fear, you are absolutely going to die, that the path of your life is leading you to one, sure end from which there is no escape, nor can you turn back to return or re-do anything you will eventually recognize as your failure and perceive to be something you wish would have been different. At that point, imagined innocence won't matter, perceived justification will have no bearing, and all excuses will be seen for what they've been and are. I can continue to speak from experience of which you still know very little, I could quote from the Bible, my source of absolute truth beyond all knowledge and experience...which you've previously chosen not to hear; instead I'll write to you about justice and protection.
Even if God recognizes you justified and excused in your hatred of me (and don't imagine your attitude in my regard anything else; we are and will be judged, not by our own understandings and judgments of God's words but by God's definition and He defines hatred as "the desire to have nothing to do with, the will to avoid and abandon, to have no active regard for") will He justify and excuse you for your hatred of your mother, for your abandonment of Hilary, for the way you, a wise and learned person according to your own words, has treated and continues to treat your family? Or will He ultimately grant you justice: Will He allow the things you've done and do to others, happen to you? Will He ordain Avalon, someday, to abandon you and, possibly, Jeff, as you've abandoned your family? This will be justice. This will be you reaping what you have sown.
And someday, as Avalon inevitably disagrees with you, when she finds your judgments and opinions unjust, unfair and cruel as you've found mine to be, and she does as she's been taught, as your history will eventually reveal "truth", "history", and "justice" to her, and she does as you have done....something you can't imagine now because you're unable to see it as justice, will you have the presence of mind to recall this letter and the scriptural truths directing it and say, "Father, do unto me as I have done; this is justice: that I should receive as I did and do unto others? And if you're able, will you be comforted by so doing? We both know the answer to these questions.
There is only one protection for all of us and that is to sow as we hope to reap. Should I expect to receive kindness, I must execute kindness. Should I expect to reap forgiveness, I first must sow it. God's order opposes practically everything we imagine and think on our own; that's why He says, "As you do to the least of these children of Mine, you do unto Me; as you fail to do to the least of these children of Mine, you fail to do to Me!" (Matthew 25:40,45). It's His way that causes "the sun to rise and set and the rain to fall on the just as well as the unjust." It's our way to judge others in our imaginations of their injustices to us. It should be obvious to you, that even in your youth and vigor, that the way you've managed your family relationships, won't, ultimately, be satisfying to you, especially should they later be replayed in your own family. Take time to read Romans 12:16-21, Paul's revelation of our Father as God of the lowly and what should be our response to others. Pray, if not with me with Paul, that you will desire to live in harmony with others without haughtiness, without conceit, willing to associate with those you consider lowly, that God will help you repay no one evil for evil but that He'll enable you to take thought for what is noble in the sight of all and, as far as it depends on you, to ordain you to live peaceably with everyone....to cause you to seek no revenge for yourself but leave it to God's wrath, that He'll help you not to be overcome with evil but to overcome evil with good, to, in the name and authority of Jesus, to ask and do these things according to His will and not what your will so far has been.
Your grandparents on both sides loved you. Sheryl's mother, particularly, has always remembered your special days and still keeps you and your loved ones in her thoughts, inquiries and prayers. Your abandonment of them is something that, as you grow older, will haunt you and cause you to regret and fear....not merely for your own sake, but for Avalon's. Isn't it easier to simply now give up what will be regret, to now give up your hardness of heart, to now give up your judgments, condemnations and unforgivenessnesses, than it will be to live with what most certainly will become irreversible sorrow and regret?
Perhaps, as you often have done before, you will see this letter as my criticism and judgment of you. Someday, instead, you'll see it as my attempt to protect you from what you will most certainly endure should you not perceive it in the spirit in which it is written; someday you'll understand it as coming from someone who has loved you very much. You've hurt your Mom and me; you changed the way Hilary understands sisterhood and family; you've devastated your Grandma Joann and, before that, your Grandpa Joe. "As a (wo)man sows, so shall (s)he reap." You may pick the times you sow, but God chooses the times you reap; you won't be satisfied when you begin to suffer the consequences of the things you've done. Someday you will wake up realizing that most of your life is behind you, that your parents are dead and gone and your opportunity to correct your part of what has been a pathetic situation, with them. In spite of what you imagine you'll think in the future, what I've written here is what you'll be feeling. Take the high road: be a better person, do better things, overcome as you'd like things overcome for you. Now is the time to initiate change, to be different and better. Blessings, Dad
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
P.S.
FYI there are some things that are not appropriate for Facebook. And that is the nicest thing I can say in regards to that. I am still fuming about something and feel like it isn't even my place to be upset but I am.
And I don't want any pity. Does anybody ever want pity? I really don't think so. I think we just want to be understood. I absolutely hate pity.
Peace Out!
And I don't want any pity. Does anybody ever want pity? I really don't think so. I think we just want to be understood. I absolutely hate pity.
Peace Out!
What now
Part of me has things to say, things I want to record, feelings I want to make known. And the other part of me says, "What's the point."
I am so tired of talking about my weight loss or lack there of. I'm tired of doctors who don't seem to have answers and want to suggest surgery. I have no problem restricting my calories. Isn't that the point of gastric bypass/lapband.
I am so tired of being stressed about what I put into my mouth. I am tired of being stressed about squeezing in enough exercise. I am tired of hurting. My hips, knees, ankles and feet hurt ALL of the time. I am tired of the anxious panicky feeling I have when I can't exercise. When Jeff says, "Take a week off, let your feet heal up a bit," I want to say "Yeah you're right I should." Instead I look at him like he's shouting blashemy.
I'm tired of people who suggest supplements, strange diets, fads, and want to make a dollar off of me trying to lose weight. I know how to lose weight. Cut calories, and exercise. I'm doing that. All. the. time.
I've gained 4 lbs since Thanksgiving. I can't for the life of me, get it to come off, and lose more. 300 minutes of exercise, 1200 calories, 15-20 miles a week. I'm tired.
I'm really tired of sounding like a whiner. But this consumes my life. I'm tired of it consuming my life.
And now my doctor thinks I'm starving myself, that 1200 calories aren't enough. If I were starving myself, would I have the energy to exercise this much, do all the things I do, wouldn't I be absolutely exhausted? Not that I have more energy than the next guy but I'm not dragging butt all day.
I am so tired of talking about my weight loss or lack there of. I'm tired of doctors who don't seem to have answers and want to suggest surgery. I have no problem restricting my calories. Isn't that the point of gastric bypass/lapband.
I am so tired of being stressed about what I put into my mouth. I am tired of being stressed about squeezing in enough exercise. I am tired of hurting. My hips, knees, ankles and feet hurt ALL of the time. I am tired of the anxious panicky feeling I have when I can't exercise. When Jeff says, "Take a week off, let your feet heal up a bit," I want to say "Yeah you're right I should." Instead I look at him like he's shouting blashemy.
I'm tired of people who suggest supplements, strange diets, fads, and want to make a dollar off of me trying to lose weight. I know how to lose weight. Cut calories, and exercise. I'm doing that. All. the. time.
I've gained 4 lbs since Thanksgiving. I can't for the life of me, get it to come off, and lose more. 300 minutes of exercise, 1200 calories, 15-20 miles a week. I'm tired.
I'm really tired of sounding like a whiner. But this consumes my life. I'm tired of it consuming my life.
And now my doctor thinks I'm starving myself, that 1200 calories aren't enough. If I were starving myself, would I have the energy to exercise this much, do all the things I do, wouldn't I be absolutely exhausted? Not that I have more energy than the next guy but I'm not dragging butt all day.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
My Advice for the Day
1. Fake it til ya make it
2. Sometimes you have to get out of your own way.
Stew on that for a while.
2. Sometimes you have to get out of your own way.
Stew on that for a while.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
New Years Meme
1. What did you do in 2011 that you had never done before? Taxes after the sale of stock...never again.
2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I had goals and out of 10 major ones, I made 8 of them.
3. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011? more down time. With the move and all that led up to it and after, we were busy most of the year.
4. What’s your biggest achievement of the year? losing another 25 lbs for a total of 50
5. What was your biggest failure? Just one? Probably every time I lose my patience.
6. Did you suffer illness or injury? Besides a pretty serious bee sting, I've been quite healthy. *knocks on wood*
7. What was the best thing you bought? Our new house, followed by the new car
8. Whose behavior deserves merit? Miss Avalon. She's just such a good kid. I've totally lucked out in the kid department.
9. Whose behavior made you appalled and disgusted? My biological parents. They never cease to amaze me.
10. Where did most of your money go? House payment and Target.
11. What did you get really, really excited about? Going on vacation, buying a new house
12. Compared to this time last year are you?
a)happier or sadder? happier
b)fatter or thinner? thinner
c)richer or poorer? richer I guess? I don't feel poor but that doesn't mean we don't have to budget just like every other household.
13. What do you wish you had done more of? Dinner with friends
14. What do you wish you had done less of? Packing! Downside of moving. I feel like I did it for 3 months straight
15. What was your favorite TV program: geesh that's a hard one. Toss up between Criminal Minds and Biggest Loser
16. What did you want and get? A new house! We'd been looking for a couple years
17. What did you not want and not get? Diamond earrings? Did nobody know that I wanted them? Well now you do for 2012.
18, What was your favorite film this year? The Kings Speech.
19. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you? Went to Ciao Mambo for the 29th birthday
20. What kept you sane? Jeff, Avalon and exercise
21. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Really would rather not say, bit embarrassed and ashamed etc. ;)
22. Who was the best new person you met? I met Steph early in the year. I actually maybe have met her in December of 2010 but we didn't actually hang out until 2011
23. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011. Sometimes what you think you want isn't what you need.
2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I had goals and out of 10 major ones, I made 8 of them.
3. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011? more down time. With the move and all that led up to it and after, we were busy most of the year.
4. What’s your biggest achievement of the year? losing another 25 lbs for a total of 50
5. What was your biggest failure? Just one? Probably every time I lose my patience.
6. Did you suffer illness or injury? Besides a pretty serious bee sting, I've been quite healthy. *knocks on wood*
7. What was the best thing you bought? Our new house, followed by the new car
8. Whose behavior deserves merit? Miss Avalon. She's just such a good kid. I've totally lucked out in the kid department.
9. Whose behavior made you appalled and disgusted? My biological parents. They never cease to amaze me.
10. Where did most of your money go? House payment and Target.
11. What did you get really, really excited about? Going on vacation, buying a new house
12. Compared to this time last year are you?
a)happier or sadder? happier
b)fatter or thinner? thinner
c)richer or poorer? richer I guess? I don't feel poor but that doesn't mean we don't have to budget just like every other household.
13. What do you wish you had done more of? Dinner with friends
14. What do you wish you had done less of? Packing! Downside of moving. I feel like I did it for 3 months straight
15. What was your favorite TV program: geesh that's a hard one. Toss up between Criminal Minds and Biggest Loser
16. What did you want and get? A new house! We'd been looking for a couple years
17. What did you not want and not get? Diamond earrings? Did nobody know that I wanted them? Well now you do for 2012.
18, What was your favorite film this year? The Kings Speech.
19. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you? Went to Ciao Mambo for the 29th birthday
20. What kept you sane? Jeff, Avalon and exercise
21. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Really would rather not say, bit embarrassed and ashamed etc. ;)
22. Who was the best new person you met? I met Steph early in the year. I actually maybe have met her in December of 2010 but we didn't actually hang out until 2011
23. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011. Sometimes what you think you want isn't what you need.
New Year New Goals
So, as we ushered in 2012, I went back to my list of goals(not resolutions) that I had made at the beginning of 2011. And of the 10 major goals I had in mind for myself and my family, I completed 8 of them. Not too shabby, considering they were mainly big life changes.
And while I will never quit setting goals for myself because I think making and reaching goals help me to be my better self, I feel happy(?not quite the word I'm looking for) maybe even satisfied with where my life is and where I'm headed in relationship to those I share my life with.
Yes, I want to continue losing weight this year, I will run a race this year and I already cut the info from the paper to get started with golf lessons. I know that getting a new dog this year is in the cards for our family, we want to take Avalon on another big trip, and we have lots of plans for the house.
But mainly, I am going to be happy this year. I will love where my life is at and what I am doing and slow down and not only stop and smell the roses but enjoy them too. If something doesn't get done or doesn't live up to my expectations, I will realize that there is obviously something more important knocking.
That's not to say I haven't been happy but I feel like I spent most of being 28 chasing something to make myself a better person because I didn't feel like I was living up to certain goals and ideals I had in mind.
When I moved out a long time ago and began living life, I set some major goals for myself. I always had someone telling me what to do and wasn't really allowed to make my own decisions. And since I felt my leaving was an incredible opportunity, I wasn't going to waste it.
I knew I wanted to go to college. I even had plans for going to graduate school. I was going to have a career. I had no attachments and even felt a bit alone in this world so I knew I had to depend on myself. I would do school, establish a career, travel abroad(i do have a Spanish degree afterall). I figured it would take me a solid 10 years to do that. Then perhaps maybe find a spouse, start a family and see if that was what life had in store for me.
I wouldn't say I'm completely unromantic and I think a majority of females have a tendency to create unreal fantasies of love. But I didn't feel that way at all. The only marriage I truly had ever been witness to was my parents. And, from what I saw, it was nothing I wanted to be a part of. I never had fantasies of a wedding, houses with picket fences or even children.
But during my freshman year of college that all changed when I met Jeff. Suddenly I could imagine being married, settling down and eventually children. I had no plans to rush off to another country if it meant Jeff and I had to be apart.
We finished school, got married, Jeff got a job while I finished student teaching, bought a house, and settled down. Jeff's job was awesome for a fresh grad and continues to be a great job. And by that point, we weren't willing to move away from here and his family(not sure he was ever willing, but my plans sure changed after I got to know them).
We decided to have a baby and the rest is history.
So when I hit 28 last year, I felt somewhat unfulfilled. I felt like I left some goals undone and met many earlier that I had planned and didn't go above and beyond. Twenty-eight was the year I had set for my younger self to have conquered the world.
But as the year passed and I turned 29, I realized how foolish that thinking was. I have an incredible life. Sure it didn't turn out the way I had planned, but it turned out the way it needed to. I learned you can't conquer the world in 10 years, it takes a lifetime.
This year, I am working on going with the flow, not sweating the small stuff and enjoying the little things in life that so oftened get lost in the shuffle. So if my living room doesn't get painted in a timely fashion because Avalon and I spent the week at the park because of the nice weather so be it. And while I really am going to try and accomplish my goals, its okay to not always meet them because it means I did something probably equally as important that I hadn't planned on.
Have a fantastic 2012. I know I will!
And while I will never quit setting goals for myself because I think making and reaching goals help me to be my better self, I feel happy(?not quite the word I'm looking for) maybe even satisfied with where my life is and where I'm headed in relationship to those I share my life with.
Yes, I want to continue losing weight this year, I will run a race this year and I already cut the info from the paper to get started with golf lessons. I know that getting a new dog this year is in the cards for our family, we want to take Avalon on another big trip, and we have lots of plans for the house.
But mainly, I am going to be happy this year. I will love where my life is at and what I am doing and slow down and not only stop and smell the roses but enjoy them too. If something doesn't get done or doesn't live up to my expectations, I will realize that there is obviously something more important knocking.
That's not to say I haven't been happy but I feel like I spent most of being 28 chasing something to make myself a better person because I didn't feel like I was living up to certain goals and ideals I had in mind.
When I moved out a long time ago and began living life, I set some major goals for myself. I always had someone telling me what to do and wasn't really allowed to make my own decisions. And since I felt my leaving was an incredible opportunity, I wasn't going to waste it.
I knew I wanted to go to college. I even had plans for going to graduate school. I was going to have a career. I had no attachments and even felt a bit alone in this world so I knew I had to depend on myself. I would do school, establish a career, travel abroad(i do have a Spanish degree afterall). I figured it would take me a solid 10 years to do that. Then perhaps maybe find a spouse, start a family and see if that was what life had in store for me.
I wouldn't say I'm completely unromantic and I think a majority of females have a tendency to create unreal fantasies of love. But I didn't feel that way at all. The only marriage I truly had ever been witness to was my parents. And, from what I saw, it was nothing I wanted to be a part of. I never had fantasies of a wedding, houses with picket fences or even children.
But during my freshman year of college that all changed when I met Jeff. Suddenly I could imagine being married, settling down and eventually children. I had no plans to rush off to another country if it meant Jeff and I had to be apart.
We finished school, got married, Jeff got a job while I finished student teaching, bought a house, and settled down. Jeff's job was awesome for a fresh grad and continues to be a great job. And by that point, we weren't willing to move away from here and his family(not sure he was ever willing, but my plans sure changed after I got to know them).
We decided to have a baby and the rest is history.
So when I hit 28 last year, I felt somewhat unfulfilled. I felt like I left some goals undone and met many earlier that I had planned and didn't go above and beyond. Twenty-eight was the year I had set for my younger self to have conquered the world.
But as the year passed and I turned 29, I realized how foolish that thinking was. I have an incredible life. Sure it didn't turn out the way I had planned, but it turned out the way it needed to. I learned you can't conquer the world in 10 years, it takes a lifetime.
This year, I am working on going with the flow, not sweating the small stuff and enjoying the little things in life that so oftened get lost in the shuffle. So if my living room doesn't get painted in a timely fashion because Avalon and I spent the week at the park because of the nice weather so be it. And while I really am going to try and accomplish my goals, its okay to not always meet them because it means I did something probably equally as important that I hadn't planned on.
Have a fantastic 2012. I know I will!
Thursday, December 8, 2011
10 Years and Counting
Also, a month and counting. Nearly a whole month since I last posted. Sometimes I find myself not posting because I'm not sure who all my readers are and don't want to ruffle feathers. I hate to self censor but sometimes, I feel like I've had enough conflict in my life, I don't need any more.
More often than not though, I am busy. And now that Christmas is upon us, it is even busier. But I'm not complaining, I love Christmas! I will complain about the lack of snow though. December and no real precipitation? Geesh. I have all my Christmas shopping done and almost all of the presents wrapped and under the tree. For me, there is nothing more fun than buying gifts for someone and watching them open it.
Also, posting seems a bit redundant when I post things on Facebook once already. Facebook! It will be the death of all other social platforms!
But this December is also special because it marks 10 years that Jeff and I have been together. We've only been married 7 years but we started dating 10 years ago the first of this month. I had met him for the first time the previous September but by November his group of friends and mine began to hang out more. And by December we agreed to be more exclusive, more or less. (Basically, I think I said, "I'm don't wanna make out with you for fun." and his answer was, "I guess that makes you my girlfriend.") (I wasn't trying to pressure him into anything, I just really didn't want to get my feelings hurt again and I knew by that time, that I really liked him and if he wasn't in the same place, I didn't want to set myself up for heartbreak)
Simple as that. Okay maybe not that simple but pretty much.
It all started with a night sledding with our friends on the hill behind Roskie dorm in Bozeman. I remember sledding face first down the hill over a glass beer bottle and seriously bruising my stomach and upper thighs.
Then an official first date after my work Christmas party to Applebee's and then to see Vanilla Sky which was a horrible movie but I didn't want to tell him but was so relieved when he came out of the theater and said, "That movie sucked."
Another date a few days later, where we went and rented a movie and got ice cream and he got pulled over for having a taillight out.
A Christmas break that lasted forever and we went through about 1000 minutes on phonecards(remember when we still used those things) Then he came up to Great Falls to meet Pat and Joelene. We went to the rodeo.
Then we drove back to Billings and I met his parents. I died my hair back brunette from a wild blond job I had let a friend do. (had to make a good impression) Had dinner at the Granary back when it was still old school. Talk to his Dad at the salad bar about how we were both born in Kansas. Left a CD in his parents car that had very explicit lyrics and was so embarrassed I could've cried.
Hung out every free minute we had the entire second semester.
Both went to our respective homes for the summer. Spent hours on the phone. And hours driving between Great Falls and Billings.
July 4th weekend, he proposed on July 3rd right after I had spun my car out through a ditch by Acton.
And the rest is history.
He is one of the best things to have come into my life. I know I have a lot of baggage. Marriage isn't always easy. We don't always agree or get along. But in the end, I know he has my back, loves me unconditionally(something he had to teach me) and we're partners for everything. Not only is he a great husband, he is an awesome dad. So 10 years down, and to another 10 and another after that and then 10 more and so on.
More often than not though, I am busy. And now that Christmas is upon us, it is even busier. But I'm not complaining, I love Christmas! I will complain about the lack of snow though. December and no real precipitation? Geesh. I have all my Christmas shopping done and almost all of the presents wrapped and under the tree. For me, there is nothing more fun than buying gifts for someone and watching them open it.
Also, posting seems a bit redundant when I post things on Facebook once already. Facebook! It will be the death of all other social platforms!
But this December is also special because it marks 10 years that Jeff and I have been together. We've only been married 7 years but we started dating 10 years ago the first of this month. I had met him for the first time the previous September but by November his group of friends and mine began to hang out more. And by December we agreed to be more exclusive, more or less. (Basically, I think I said, "I'm don't wanna make out with you for fun." and his answer was, "I guess that makes you my girlfriend.") (I wasn't trying to pressure him into anything, I just really didn't want to get my feelings hurt again and I knew by that time, that I really liked him and if he wasn't in the same place, I didn't want to set myself up for heartbreak)
Simple as that. Okay maybe not that simple but pretty much.
It all started with a night sledding with our friends on the hill behind Roskie dorm in Bozeman. I remember sledding face first down the hill over a glass beer bottle and seriously bruising my stomach and upper thighs.
Then an official first date after my work Christmas party to Applebee's and then to see Vanilla Sky which was a horrible movie but I didn't want to tell him but was so relieved when he came out of the theater and said, "That movie sucked."
Another date a few days later, where we went and rented a movie and got ice cream and he got pulled over for having a taillight out.
A Christmas break that lasted forever and we went through about 1000 minutes on phonecards(remember when we still used those things) Then he came up to Great Falls to meet Pat and Joelene. We went to the rodeo.
Then we drove back to Billings and I met his parents. I died my hair back brunette from a wild blond job I had let a friend do. (had to make a good impression) Had dinner at the Granary back when it was still old school. Talk to his Dad at the salad bar about how we were both born in Kansas. Left a CD in his parents car that had very explicit lyrics and was so embarrassed I could've cried.
Hung out every free minute we had the entire second semester.
Both went to our respective homes for the summer. Spent hours on the phone. And hours driving between Great Falls and Billings.
July 4th weekend, he proposed on July 3rd right after I had spun my car out through a ditch by Acton.
And the rest is history.
He is one of the best things to have come into my life. I know I have a lot of baggage. Marriage isn't always easy. We don't always agree or get along. But in the end, I know he has my back, loves me unconditionally(something he had to teach me) and we're partners for everything. Not only is he a great husband, he is an awesome dad. So 10 years down, and to another 10 and another after that and then 10 more and so on.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)