Tuesday, March 1, 2011

What I figured out today

* Our house hunt is about as dismal as my weight loss efforts. Today I don't know what is depressing me more. At this point I could care less what kind of house we get as long as Avalon is not going to Ponderosa. Even worse than having her go to this ghetto school is imagining her having to start there or anywhere and then rip her out of her school and her friends.

*On the weight loss front I am ready to go back to my old ways prior to seeing a dietician. I know that eating 1000 calories or less is not healthy but it was way easier and I only had to worry that I wasn't losing weight. Now I am worrying about not losing weight and stressing over all the food I have to eat. This is consuming my life and I am so tired. I've invested 19 months of my life into this.

*I had an epiphany today reading more about Charlie Sheen's antics. Charlie Sheen and my biological father have SO much in common. They talk nonsense and in circles. You don't really know what they are saying but they are mildly amusing as long as you aren't the brunt of their tirades.

And so I leave you with some of Charlie's most memorable quotes this week:

On his tropical vacation with wife Brooke Mueller, a porn star, and a new mistress:
"Where there were four, there are now three. Good-bye, Brooke, and good luck in your travels; you're going to need it. Badly … She's not there now and we are and I don't know, winning, anyone? Rhymes with winning? Anyone? Yeah, that would be us. Sorry man, didn't make the rules. Oops."

On people who talk about him:
"Look what I'm dealing with, man. I'm dealing with fools and trolls. I'm dealing with soft targets, and it's just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee … they lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, 'I can't process it.' Well, no, and you never will! Stop trying! Just sit back and enjoy the show."

On Chuck Lorre's Sheen-tweaking vanity card:
"I didn't care for that vanity card … that was one of the few compliments that clown has paid me in almost a decade."

On Lorre himself:
"I'm tired of being told 'You can't talk about that, you can't talk about that.' Bull S-H-I-T. There's something this side of deplorable that a certain Chaim Levine — yeah, that's Chuck's real name — mistook this rock star for his own selfish exit strategy, bro. Check it, Alex: I embarrassed him in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that his unevolved mind cannot process. Last I checked, Chaim, I spent close to the last decade effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold. And the gratitude I get is this charlatan chose not to do his job, which is to write. Clearly someone who believes he's above the law."

On his power:
"I'm sorry, man, but I've got magic. I've got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time — and this includes naps — I'm an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground."

On Major League 3:
"It's being directed and written by a genius named David Ward who, I don't know, won the Academy Award at 23 for writing The Sting? [Ed. He was 29.] It was his pen and his vision that created the classic that we know today as Major League. In fact, a lot of people think the movie's called Wild Thing, as they should. Whatever … If they want me in it, it's a smash. If they don't, it's a turd that opens on a tugboat."

On why he should be feared:
"There's a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins."

Wait, what?
"Guys, it's right there in the thing, duh! We work for the Pope, we murder people. We're Vatican assassins. How complicated can it be? What they're not ready for is guys like you and I and Nails and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom. Print that, people. See where that goes."

No, seriously: What?
"If you love with violence and you hate with violence, there's nothing that can be questioned. People say, 'Oh, you'd better work through your resentments.' Yeah, no. I'm gonna hang on to them, and they're gonna fuel my attack. And they're going to fuel the battle cry of my deadly and dangerous and secret and silent soldiers. Because they're all around you. Sorry, you thought you were just messing with one dude. Winning."

On Alcoholics Anonymous:
"It's the work of sissies. The only thing I'm addicted to is winning. This bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous, reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math … another one of their mottoes is 'Don't be special, be one of us.' Newsflash: I am special, and I will never be one of you! I have a disease? Bullshit! I cured it with my brain, with my mind. I cured it, I'm done … you don't look like you're having a lot of fun. I'm gonna hang out with these two smoking hotties and fly privately around the world. It might be lonely up here but I sure like the view, Alex!"

On ex-presidents:
"I'm not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy."


  1. Don't give up!! You are doing great! The more you work on this diet the dietitian has laid out for you the more natural it will become! If you need a break for a day then do it but don't throw in the towel just yet!

  2. Hey Heather...you're my cousin and I love you, Jeff, and Avalon, but I actually went to Ponderosa so I was really offended when you called it "this ghetto school." I went there from the time I was five until I was done with sixth grade. I turned out just fine & I'm sure that Avalon would be the same. Even though it may not be your first choice, I know a lot of the teachers that work there & I know how much they care about their all of their students.